Fairy Tales by the Hellsing family
by Marieko
Summary: What happens when the Spirit Detectives along with the infamous Hellsing family get sucked into a fairy tale? Watch as they reek havoc on the fairy tale world.
1. The Book

Author: ive been meaning to right this in FOREVER. i am finnaly writing it. I hope you guys like it!

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Once upon a time, there lived a family of demon-like creatures called the Hellsings. Now this family got around. Not only have they been in YYH world but also InuYasha world. (You guys haven't read my InuYasha fic yet!) Our story starts when one of the sisters was reading a book. It was a book of fairy tales. The sisters name was Catty Hellsing. Let me tell you something about Catty. She is a dreamer and she loved just sitting and thinking about how life could be. Right now she was thinking of fairy tales. Unbeknownst to her, this was a magic book. All it needed was the words 'I wish' and it would be activated.

Inside the book: come on say it! Say it!

Outside the book: Catty rolls over. "I love this book" she says as she hugs it to her chest.

Inside the book: oh boobies! I mean Come on say it!

Outside the book: "I wish life was a fairy tale!"

Inside the book: YEEESSSS!

The lights got brighter and her door was thrown open. Her siblings and parents came in the room. "What did you do Catty?" The lights flashed and Catty saw everyone was gone.

"That was strange. What happened?" she looked to her book. The cover had changed. It now read. "The Hellsing tales, contributed by Catty Hellsing"

"OOpsie" she said. She turned the page. A picture of her eldest sister running threw a forest sat beside a page that said "Snow Bunny"


	2. Snow Bunny

Author: mwahahahaha! i am writing a new story mwahaha!

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**Snow Bunny**

Once upon a time there lived a woman. She had hair as dark as night, lips as red as rubies and skin as white as snow. She was called Snow White and she was the fairest of them all.

At another time and place there was Snow Bunny. She had hair as white as ice, eyes as red as blood and skin as pail as a vampire. She wasn't the fairest of them all. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty to look at, she is just to mean to be fair. "Hey!" said Bunny looking up at the narrator. "Say that again and Ill fry you to death!"

See what I mean? Anyway. This girl was born of a beautiful mother named Gwenafar. Now Gwenny was a beautiful lady, but she was married to a drunken slob of a man who just happened to be a Baron. A Baron that needed an heir. So Gwenafar went to a fortune teller who just happened to be in the neighborhood.

"What is it you need missy?" said the fortune teller named Tempest "Missy?" Tempest asks Narrator. "Just how old am I?"

None of your damn business. "I need to know if I will ever bare an heir for my husband."

"It won't be a hare it will be a Bunny." said the Gypsy

"Excuse me?" asked the Baroness confusedly.

"Nothing. Hmm. You will give birth to a baby girl. She will be the toughest of them all-"

"Don't you mean fairest?" asked the mother-to be.

"NOO. I mean toughest. A real spit fire." said Tempest, not bothering to confront the author about her dialog. "She will be pretty, pretty angry!" she said collapsing into laughter because that's what narrator told her to do. So Gwenny went on her way, back to her castle. "Maybe I shoulda told her she was gonna die…" mused the muse. "Oh well."

Soon the Baroness became pregnant. She had the child at the expense of her own life. The Baron became solemn for his wife was the only thing besides alcohol he actually liked. That and a girl can't be an heir. So he was heirless as well. Really. He was bald.

The Barons subjects at first loved the baby. Mostly cause they loved the late Baroness. However, they soon realized the baby was nothing like her mother. For example, she set things on fire. And she played tricks on people. Mostly she was just mean. The people begged their rule to get another wife. Maybe SHE could deal with the little demon.

So it came to pass the Baron got married again. He brought to the court a woman with blue hair and blue eyes. Her name was Setsuna. "WHAT? I'm the bad guy? How."

Cause you're an evil, manipulative bitch. Now the thing is, this woman was a witch. Not only that but an EVIL witch. And she liked it that way. Every night she would go to her mirror and chant. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the meanest of them all?" and the mirror would answer. "You are the meaning of Evil my lady."

One day however the mirror answered "The peasants say your mean, that's true, but they say Snow Bunny is meaner than you!" That day Snow Bunny had set the chickens on fire, destroyed the kitchen, and put cow dung in all the chambers. Setsuna glared.

The Evil Baroness hired an assassin to kill the little girl. This would have worked except for one thing. That day the red eyed girl had found a squirrel. Of course everyone knows that squirrels are evil and must be disposed of, but the assassin was foreign and didn't know any better. He came upon his quarry torturing the rabid beast and thought her magnificent. He just couldn't kill the child. So instead he went up to her and said "oh magnificent one, your step mother seeks to kill you. Run into the forest and we will trick her."

Bunny just glared at him and walked off. He grabbed the little squirrel and carved out its heart. It is a little known fact squirrels have overgrown hearts, the size of human ones so that they can house their evil there. He took the heart back to the Baroness and told her it was the girl's heart. Amazingly, he was believed.

Now Bunny was going along walking threw the forest acting all tough, but really she was scared. She had no place to sleep and she wanted some sweet snow. Oh well. She could always sleep in a tree and eat pinecones. She stumbled onto a little house. She was extremely tired from walking so much so she lay down on a big bed and fell asleep.

"I think we should eat her." said a voice.

"That's not very nice!" said another voice.

"Where friggin demons were not sposed to be nice!"

Bunny woke up and screamed "MIDGETS!"

"Look who's talkin! Your not so tall yourself!" grumbled a voice connected to a very short dude.

"What are you?" asked Snow Bunny.

"Circus freaks. Oh and were demons." Explained another small person.

"Who are you?" asked the sixth dwarf.

"I am Snow Bunny. Protector of the universe defender of the week." is what Bunny could have said. Instead she said "I'm Bunny."

"Hiya Bunny." said the seventh little guy. "Do you wanna work for us? Well let you stay here."

"Why should we trust her?" asked one of the proverbial seven dwarfs.

"Cause she reminds me of our king." He said. "He's on a business trip now, but he should be back in a weak." he explained.

"Okay. Except one thing. No WAY am I doing house work." said Bunny. All she knew was she got a home.

Back with the Evil witch. "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the meanest of them all?" The Mirror sighed. "Your gonna see red, when you here Snow Bunny is not dead, and she is still the meanest meany-head." "Meany-head?" Setsuna asked.

Hey I'm not getting paid to think up stupid rhymes. Setsuna cursed the fact she was only a Baroness and couldn't buy a competent assassin, or else she would sick him on your loverly author.

There came a knock at the door at Snow Bunny's current abode. "What do you want?" she asked to a young woman at the door.

"I was wondering if you would like to buy something from me." she answered.

"What do you got?" asked Bunny suspiciously.

"This!" the woman pulled out a fishnet shirt.

"Oh its so PRETTY!" squealed Bunny (OOC much?) she took the shirt and shut the door in the girls face without paying. The joke was on her when she put it on and it began to suffocate her. She collapsed to the sound of evil laughter.

Fortunately for her she actually had been nice to a rat this morning by being a slob and leaving some food out. The rat crawled over an gnawed at the shirt, ripping it in half. Then he jumped on her stomach, forcing her to begin to breath. "Thank you rat minion." she said.

The evil queen started back home but not before bringing out a mirror and saying "Mirror mirror in my hand, who's the meanest in the land?" the mirror said simply "Snow Bunny the evil rat minion queen." Setsuna threw he mirror down and stalked back to Bunny's house. She broke open the door, grabbed Bunny and then poured some poison down her throat. "GET OUTA THAT ONE BITCH!" she said before leaving. Needless to say Bunny's rat couldn't help her.

In threw the door came the midget-demon-prince, also known as Hiei (betcha didn't see that one coming) He saw a dead body on the floor. "hmn." he kicked her in the stomach and Bunny rolled over, puking out the poison. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!"

"WELL IM NOT AM I?" she held her stomach. "it was my stupid step mother. Gosh, why does she want to kill me?"

"Your step mother tried to kill you?" asked Hiei.

"yep."

"Want me to help you kill her?" he asked.

"why?" Bunny asked suspiciously.

"I am a mother hater."

"Okay. Works for me." so they went to Bunny's old house and massacred the entire city, pay back for being idiots and not being nice to poor defenseless Bunny. The last one to die was Setsuna. Then her body went poof, being transported to a story having something to do with gingerbread…but that's another story. Hiei and Bunny became rulers of the world fulfilling an ancient prophesy stating, "midgets will rule your eternal soul" oh and they lived happily ever after…sorta


	3. Gingerbread Phoenix

Gingerbread Phoenix

Once upon a time there were two best friends named Pheo and Nix. They were orphans, but they were taken in by an assassin and her husband. Their names were Gwenafar and Gregory. Gwenny was a good assassin, she was, but she wasn't really making much in the way of money soo…there wasn't much in the way of food.

One night the adults were discussing finances while Pheo and Nix were upstairs listening in.

"Why the hell did we even take in two kids if we couldn't afford them?" asked Gwenafar.

"It was either them or a dog, andthey don't shed." answered Greg.

"Oh yeah…but at least they don't frown on you shooting a dog when you can't afford THEM."

"Well what are we going to do?" asked the angry woman's hubby.

"How bout I take them with me on the job and leave them there?"

"I don't know…don't you think that'd be a little wrong?" asked Gregory.

"Do you not want sex for a week?" and that was the end of THAT discussion.

Besides the feeling of wanting to puke at the things they had just learned about their foster-parents, they didn't really feel good about being without a home. "What a Bitch!" Pheo said.

"Yeah. I think we should just leave." said her friend.

"No friggin way. They took us in, they're gonna care for us! How about we mark our path by something so we can find our way back."

"Okay Grettle…I mean Pheo"

The next morning they were each given a bag of popcorn and were taken to the woods, where a general and army were waiting to be murdered in their beds. Pheo dropped popcorn on the road to mark the path while Nix fed his popcorn to the crows. Nix is a little strange and he has a LITTLE obsession with crows. This made the crows think eating Pheo's popcorn was okay. Needless to say when their foster mother left them they got totally lost.

"Nix you dolt! Your crows ate all my popcorn!"

"DON'T BLAME THE CROWS" he yelled. "Hey. Something smells good." he said.

"It does." said Pheo. They followed their noses and were led to a house made of Lasagna popcorn and Raman! "RAMAN!" They ran to the house and started munching.

A voice came from the house. "Nibble nibble like a mouse, who is nibbling on my house?" Out stepped none other than- SETSUNA! Betcha didn't see that one coming. "Hello children. Would you like to come in side? I was just fixing dinner."

Pheo and Nix, being trusting children even though the LAST people who gave them a place to live tried to kill them went into the building. On the kitchen table was mounds and mounds of food! YUM! So they ate like good little children and quickly fell to sleep because of the sleeping pills put in the food by the evil witch Setsuna.

When they woke up they were in cages above fire pits. Setsuna stood before them. "Now I have you! You won't be able to get away and I will roast you and feed you to my friends. It's my 2000th birthday today and I'm trying out this new recipe and it calls for two children…anyway. Point is, be afraid, be very very afraid."

"Your stupid." said Pheo.

"What?"

"You're stupid. I'm a friggin fire demon you idiot." it is at that point Pheo reaches out to the flames below her and fry her would be killer. Just like last time Setsuna's body disappeared. Pheo also fried the cages so they got out. In a rage the small fire demon burned down the whole forest.

On the horizon they saw their old house. They went up to it and murdered their adoptive parents. Whenever they got hungry they just went to the food house and ate. The food magically did not ever spoil. And they lived foreverly ever after in their old house.

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Author: FYI Pheo has silver-blue long hair and red eyes with wing-shaped pupils, similar looking to Bunny. Nix has Black gravity defying hair with red tips and red eyes with black stripes, he looks like a mini-Hiei

Setsuna: i didnt know they came any shorter.


	4. Your gonna need a Nurse Rhymes

You'll need Nursing Rhymes

Little Bo-Bunny

Little Bo-Bunny has lost her money,

And doesn't know where to find them;

Leave her alone, and she'll go to Rome

Blowing up the buildings behind her.

Little Bo-Bunny fell fast in honey,

She thought she heard the coppers;

But when she got away, she thought she would play,

And rob a bank in the process.

Then she became a little crook,

Determined to find some money;

She found it indeed, but it made her heart bleed,

For they brought the police behind them

Happened one day, as Bo-Bunny would say

She did come back to life-

Even though she left hell away

The devil he did miss her.

She heaved a sigh and wiped her eye,

And over the busy highway she ran;

And tried what she could, as a villain should

She killed like only Bo-Bunny can!

Little girl Chris

Little Girl Chris, come, shoot your gun!

Do all of the things you think are fun.

Where's the little girl that makes people weep?

Down in the graveyard fast asleep

Rain

Rain, rain drown out today

Wash all our sorrows away

Little Hellsings want to play

Give us time to pray.

Dame 'Suna and her Cat

Dame Suna and her cat

Led a violent life,

To make the neighbors troubled

Of this talking cat with more than one life

When Suna had her dinner

Kitty would not wait

For he was sure to receive

A whack from Dame's plate.

Tweedle-Meeka and Tweedle-Ian

Tweedle-Meeka and Tweedle-Ian

Resolved to have a fight,

For Tweedle-Meeka said Tweedle-Ian

Had not let her bite

Just then flew by a Monstrous crow,

As stupid as they come,

Which amused both heroes so,

They decided to fry the pour thing.

Little Jumping Raye

Here am I, little jumping Raye

And when am bored

Blowing up, a building just may

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(Everyone walks by all in black and veils)

Author: whats going on? (munches on her cookie)

(They turn around and spot Author.)

Setsuna: (going on her knees) THE COOKIE MONSTER'S DEAD! (sobs)

Author: what?

Bunny: (A tear goes down her cheek...tear may or may not be reddish in colour) They replaced the cookie monster with...the celery monster

Celery Monster: cookies are good but celery is good for you!

Raye: troops! attack!

Celery Monster: (goes up in flames and is beaten to death.)

Author: (Goes up and kicks hte dead Celery Monster) i miss cookie monster

_In loving memory of the cookie monster_


	5. Little Cigarette Girl

Author: this is really depressing. However, it is off of my favorite fairy tale. Enjoy.

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Little Cigarette Girl

A girl named Christar scurried between to racing cars, falling to the ground at the side of the road. "Bastards! Watch where your going." she looked at her feet which had lost both shoes in the scuffle. "Assholes! You owe me another pair of shoes!"

She went on her way threw the snow. She reached into her pockets making sure she hadn't lost her Ciggs. They were still safely held. She stumbled to the side of a building and sat down.

"Stupid cold. I should be at home…if I had a home to go to…" She drew out a cigarette and lit it with a lighter, almost empty. "Maybe this will warm me."

In the fire of the nicotine she saw threw the wall. There sat a family eating a T.V. dinner. Suddenly the plastic container of plastic tasting food jumped up and came walking towards her. Her cigarette went out. "Damn cheepo's." she muttered striking her lighter and taking a puff.

Again the wall became invisible. She saw the Television. With its magnificent lights and glittering pictures. It became larger and larger until…Cigarette ash fell to the ground as it burnt away. She was jerked out of her vision, realizing the lights were only stars.

She lit her last Cigarette. Her vision was of a motorcycle. She climbed on. "Take me somewhere warm." she muttered. She began to float. She could sense heat around her like the Bahamas. "Thank you." she whispered

In the dawn everyone could see the frozen body of dark haired girl, a burnt cigarette between her lips. If only they could have seen the enchanting visions, or the motorcycle that taken her to the New Year.


	6. Cinderamy

Author: woo. thats all i have to say.

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Cinderamy

Once upon a time there lived a shoe maker and some elves. No wait… It was a **daughter **not **elves** sorry. I'm a little slap happy today. Anyway. He had a daughter named Amy. He thought he needed a wife and his daughter needed a mother so he got married. She had DAUGHTERS! AHH THE EVIL STEPDAUGHTERS FROM HELL! Really, they were demons. One was named Bunny and the other was Setsuna.

Unfortunately for everyone involved Amy's father died, leaving his poor daughter to the mercy of her step family. The only reason they kept her around was he left everything in his will to her. HAHA! Stupid bitches. Annnyway. Since they had to keep her they decided to make her a slave. She had to pamper her evil enslavers 24/7.

How did they get money, these slackers? Bunny and Setsuna out of their evilness had enslaved many village boys to give them stuff. This made them enable to get boyfriends cause who would want to date bossy bitches? Why do you think your author has been single most of her life? TMI, yes I know. So contrary to popular belief stepsisters aren't ugly, just mean and rude and obnoxious. Yepers, true, true.

One day a letter came in the mail that invited everyone to a ball held by none other than Prince Vash, also known as Charming. Don't know why he's called that since he's cold and rude. I guess it's like calling a cat who would scratch your eyes out if you touched her Precious? So the Step Family made Cinderamy (as was her nick-name) primp them up and all. She wasn't really disappointed that they told her she couldn't go. She much rather liked staying at home eating hotdogs.

On the night of the ball there came a rapping at the window. "Yeah?" Amy asked.

In walked a little girl with black and red hair. "Hello Cinderamy. I am your fairy godmother, Raye!" she said. Happily. When Amy just looked at her blankly she said "I am here to take you to the ball.

"Uh-hu now leave me to my hot dogs."

"Don't you want to go to the ball?"

"Nope."

Raye looked angry. "Too bad." She grabbed Amy's hot dog and waved her wand. It turned into a hot dog carriage. The mustard container turned into a door man. The catsup and mannose containers turned into drivers. The pickles turned into green horses. "Hey, it beats a pumpkin." she then turned to the girl and waved her wand. Her Raven hair fixed itself in a complicated 'doo. Her sweater and pants turned into a baby blue ball gown and her flip-flops turned into GLASS flip-flops. "Okay. Time to go! Have fun!"

The hot dog carriage drove off with Cinderamy trapped inside. It finally stopped in front of a castle. She got out and entered the building. Raye popped up again and said "Sorry. Almost forgot. Don't be out pass midnight or else you'll be turned into a frog…or something. Sorry fine print on the wand deal. Its hard to read." she smiled before going poof.

The girl rolled her eyes and started down the steps. A man with blonde spiked hair looked up at her coldly. A long red coat swished around him as he fought of the guests who had been turned into RABID FANGIRLS! Green sunglasses shielded his eyes but he looked uncomfortable. She decided to help him. She flicked out silver fans and threw them, pinning the guests closest to him. She jumped down the stairs and proceeded to fight of people. Sure it's not as fun as eating hot dogs but it was a close second.

Finally they beat enough to be able to get away. They went to the veranda. For a few minuets no one spoke. "Sooo. Prince. Charming. How's that working for you?" asked our Heroin.

"Okay I guess. But I'm not Prince Charming. I'm Van, the Hot dog Prince. Charming is the next castle down. A lot of his guests got sent here by mistake."

"Hot dogs? I like you now." At that moment the clock stroke 12. "Aw crap. Gotta go…" Cinderamy ran leaving behind a glass flip-flop.

"What the hell?"

The next day. It was known that the Hot Dog Prince (Still mistaken for the oober rich Prince Charming) was looking for the person who would fit in a glass flip-flop. He finally came to Amy's house and knocked on the door. First Bunny, then Setsuna tried on the shoe but it didn't fit.

Amy came in munching on a hot dog. "Hey! My shoe! I knew I forgot it somewhere!" she grabbed it and slipped it on. A bright light filled the room. Raye appeared. "Cool! Now the hot dog junkie gets to marry the hot dog Prince."

"You're a HOT DOG Prince?" asked the Step Mother

"Yep."

"OUT! OUT! And take Cinderamy with you!" both hot dog people glanced at each other gleefully. As they walked out the house it exploded behind them in an inferno. They lived Happily Ever After with their hot dogs.


	7. Little Red Raye

Author: Warning, There are spoilers on all my other Hellsing stories in this chapter. That and there is the mention of 'sex' and a kissing scene so there. if you dont like it...um then you dont like it

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Little Red Raye

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Little Red Raye. She was called this because she wore a cape that was stained red with the blood of those she has killed.

She lived with her mother who was an assassin named Gwenafar. Threw the Jungle in which the two lived was her grandmother, Tempest. "What is with you making me old?" she addressed the narrator

Cause you're an old lady! Anyway. One day the girl was told to take a basket of brand new weapons to Grandmother, because she was feeling under the weather and needed to be cheered up.

The little girl hiked threw the jungle, being told to stay on the path. Unfortunately Raye saw a little Chibi of a fox going of into the trees. "How the hell did a Chibi fox get into the Amazon?" Hey its my story and I can do what I want. Raye had a soft spot for chili's so she followed the little thing.

Soon she lost track of the little creature and became lost. "Looking for something?" Raye turned towards the voice to see the Kitsune Youko who was said to have devoured all little children who strayed from the path.

"Hey he's hot!" thought the girl. "Yes actually. I got lost and cant find the path to my grandma's house." she said

"Oh. Well I know how to get there. Ill walk you." the devious demon said. Inside he was thinking. "Well this girl would be a good addition to my Harem." for those of you who don't know a harem is basically sex slaves.

He led Little Red Raye to the path and told her "If you wouldn't mind ill go to your grandma's house with you." "Maybe I can get her to come home with me after wards." he thought.

"Okay but on one condition." she said "Can I touch your ears?"

Youko looked a bit surprised but said "Sure."

Raye rose to her tip toes and rubbed his fingers over the foxy ears. "AW THEY'RE SO CUTE!" she squealed.

Youko couldn't take it anymore. He leaned down and kissed little Red Raye-chan on the lips. She deepened the kiss by slipping her tongue pass his lips and into the foxes mouth. They took turns exploring each other, tasting each other. She pulled back and said "Mwahaha. I have you in my grasp you yummy fox. I will come and live with you but only if you get rid of your harem!" you see, Raye reads minds and she knew of the Kitsune's plans all along.

"Okay." he said. And they went of to live happily ever after.


	8. Stuff 'n Stuff

"My siblings are weird." stated Catty

"Your just now figuring this out?" asked a pure gray cat that looked different, yet somehow similar to moonshine from the Angel's universe. He was in fact moonshine, or at least a version of him. "speaking of the family, where are they, the house is almost empty."

"Oh. They all got sucked into this fairy tale book." she explained showing the cat the huge volume.

He raised his eyebrow, well he would have if cats had eyebrows "and how did that happen?"

She looked down sheepishly "I wished for my life to be a fairy tale. Wait, does this mean I have to find my way threw a labyrinth to try and find my family which is in the very center of the maze before the time runs out all the while the young and totally hot David Bowie is trying to keep me there forever with his pretty songs and magic."

"Dude. You have watched waaaaay to many movies. What we need to do is find a way to reverse the spell that got them there in the first place."

"What kind of magic spell to use? Slime and snails Or puppy dogs' tails. Thunder or lightning. Then baby said Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Dance magic, dance (dance magic, dance) Put that baby spell on me. Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump) Jump magic, jump (jump magic, jump) Put that magic jump on me. Slap that baby, make him free. I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try. What could I do? My baby's fun had gone. And left my baby blue. Nobody knew!" Catty slid on her knees with a wig made to look like David Bowie's in the movie Labyrinth. She also had a costume similar to his.

"Are you quite finished?" asked Moonshine

"Yes." she said dusting off her hands while both wig, costume and goblins disappeared mysteriously.

"Okay. First, why don't we try the obvious. Wish that you family was back."

"Okay. I wish my family was back in this world." nothing happened.

"What exactly did you wish for before?"

"That life was a fairy tale."

"Okay. Wish life wasn't a fairy tale."

She sighed "I wish life wasn't a fairy tale." The book jumped out of her hands. The pages flipped back and forth and a giant wind entered the room. The book began to spin and light streamed out of it. "Who dares to try and disturb the magic of the book?" boomed a voice. Suddenly everything stopped and a figure floated above the book. It was a woman with long curly black hair. She had a dress of black velvet that was tattered around the edges showing glimpses of pure white skin. She had big tilted purple eyes and sharp fangs. Butterfly wings graced her shoulders. They were black and purple and tattered, though they still lifted her small two inch frame above the pages.

"AW! She's so cute!" Catty lunged to catch her but the fairy dodged and Catty ended up hitting the bookshelf.

"What the Hell do you think you are doing? I'm the Fairy of THE BOOK and you try and squash me?"

"But…But…your so cute!" sobbed Catty.

"Well to friggin bad. Honestly, I haven't been attacked since that cat tried to eat me…" she trailed off when she caught a sent she hadn't before. A second before moonshine attacked she raised up to the ceiling. "YOU!"

"I knew that book looked familiar! Drusilla Ravensbreath!"

"ITS RAVENSTAIL YOU MANGY EXCUSE FOR A FELINE!"

"You guys know each other?" Catty looked back and forth between cat and fairy.

"Yeah. That book was one of the collections of your dad that were morphed by sitting next to hell to long. There spirits became warped into dark fay like Drusilla here. How did you get the book? It's supposed to be locked up in the basement."

Catty laughed nervously "Um…well…you see…I was bored so I snuck into the basement and found this book on fairy tales and it looked really interesting so I took it." she said really fast.

Both cat and Fairy staired at the girl. "Your kidding me right? Petty thievery in this house!" Bellowed the cat.

"uh. Yeah. My mom taught me well?" she wasn't sure what was with the cat today.

"oh. Well. Cool." Moonshine said, getting over it. They sat in scilence for a few seconds and then he asked "So, how can we get her family back?

"oh like I'm gonna tell you." spat the fairy

"Please? I'm really hungry and all I know how to make is instant ramen, and we ran out last night!" pleaded Catty.

"And I care how?"

"If you don't help me I'll…I'll…" she grabbed a flyswatter "Squash you flat!"

"Okay! Okay, All you have to do is-"

CLIFFY!

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Author: MWHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 


	9. Sleeping Umi

Author: I feel like writing. So that's what I'll do. Oh and incase you were wondering from the last installment of "Fairy Tales" I do not own Labyrinth, nor do I own David Bowie…although I really wish I could…

Flashback

"So, how can we get her family back?

"oh like I'm gonna tell you." spat the fairy

"Please? I'm really hungry and all I know how to make is instant ramen, and we ran out last night!" pleaded Catty.

"And I care how?"

"If you don't help me I'll…I'll…" she grabbed a flyswatter "Squash you flat!"

"Okay! Okay, All you have to do is-"

End Flashback

"All you have to do is…um…uh…yah know what?" she cocked her head and smiled bashfully "I don't really remember."

"WHAT!" both the cat and the girl yelled.

"HOW COULD YOU FORGET!" Catty yelled

"NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE THE BODY OF THE FLY, BUT THE BRAIN AS WELL!" screeched moonshine.

"PLEASE! STOP YELLING!" the fairy screamed holding her ears. "I'll remember it in a second. It has something to do with pickles, or onions or umm…something."

"Whatever." said Catty plopping in front of the TV "You think, I'm gonna watch television."

She turned on the boob toob to the anime show that everyone knows. "It's okay Sailor Moon all you have to do is believe in yourself!" "Yeah Sailor Moon, you can do it." "Remember Sailor Moon, you have to succeed or else all of history will be messed up, and we all will die!" encouraged assorted Sailor Scouts

"YOU CAN DO IT SAILOR MOON! I BELIEVE IN YOU!" screamed Catty at the top of her lungs.

"oh yeah! Now I remember." said the fairy rising into the air

"Really? What is it. I have been encouraged by the wonderfulness that is Sailor Moon and I will save my family!" Catty yelled, striking a pose.

"yeah. Weirdo." muttered the cat "how the hell did I come into this cracked up story?"

"Well it's quite simple." started the winged creature "What you do is go into the book and keep your siblings from messing up the story. You have to make the fairy tale go back to the way it was before your siblings were there."

"question." said Catty raising her hand "um is the story the Disney version or the old scary everyone's-evil-so-don't-trust-them version?"

"middle story, happy ending cooler middle." replied the fairy

"Okay, well that seems easy, how do I get in the book?"

"Simple: make a wish."

**Sleeping Umi**

"Ooooh. Umi's sleeping beauty? Cool." said Catty looking up at the title floating in mid air. "I suppose the best thing is to stalk Umi and make sure she doesn't mess up." No sooner had she spoken those words was she transported to a ballroom. "oooooohhhh. Pretty dresses." She saw all of her sisters lined up in front of a cradle of what was supposed to be baby Umi.

The first in line was who she recognized as her sisters Silent Bobby and Mimi. "uh-oh, I better make sure they stay on scrip." First thing she noticed: Bobby was smoking. "GRR you wont mess up my story with your filthy habit. She jumped and grabbed the nicotine filled stick and rolled, ending up hiding behind a curtain. Bobby looked around bewilderedly looking for the higher power that had snatched her addiction.

"So, what gift do you wish to bestow on my child?" asked Gwenafar.

Bobby poked Mimi and glanced at the Queen "We bestow upon Umi the gift of Silence."

Before she could raise her wand Catty poked her from behind the curtain "I am the ghost of Christmas Past and I say the gift you wish to bestow is Obedience." she said in a ghosty voice.

"Must obey Ghost of Christmas past. We bestow the gift of Obedience." said Mimi.

The next in line was Mina. She walked up to the baby and said "Your gift is like, the gift of good fashion sense!"

"Beauty you imbecile! The gift of beauty!" hissed Catty

"Oh yeah, what I meant was like, you'll be beautiful, like totally!"

The last fairy/sister was Shorty. "I bestow upon you-"

Before the fairy could finish a flying fiend fought with frightening force to the front of the family forum (translated: Setsuna cut in.)

"You dared to not invite me to this christening? I will curse your baby for your impudence!" She cackled "When your daughter turns 16 she will prick her finger on a pickle and die!"

Murmurs ran threw the crowd "Pickle? that's not very sharp." "How is she supposed to die from a pickle."

"Hey, pst. Say spinning needle instead of pickle." said Catty shaking her head at the idiocy.

"Okay, a pickle is more menacing but whatever. Your daughter will prick her finger on a spinning needle and die!" thunder cracked in the background and the evil fairy disappeared.

"Oh no! what shall we do?" cried the mother

"gee, I guess now would be a bad time to mention that I'm a spinning wheel salesman wouldn't it?" asked Shorty

"Just say that instead of dying the little girl will fall asleep for a hundred years until her love the Prince comes an awakes her with a kiss. I'm too old for this shit." said Catty.

"Okay, instead of dying the little girl will fall asleep for a hundred years until her love the Prince comes an awakes her with a kiss. I'm too old for this shit." repeated Shorty

"Close enough."

So as is the way in fairy tales time sped up until the next time something interesting happened aka the princesses sixteenth birthday.

Catty finished lugging in the 1026th spinning wheel into the castle. They littered the place, filling up every ounce of space. She dusted off her hands "Okay no fucking way my family can mess this up." Although this was just a safety precaution, the letter she sent to Setsuna, telling her to lure Umi up to the top room of the highest tower and make her prick her finger was the real deal, but who knows what could happen?

She saw Setsuna coming down the stairs "What the hell are you doing? What if someone sees you." Catty hissed.

"I'm luring the girl, whoa, do you have an obsession with spinning or something? I've never seen so many spinning wheels."

"You go back to the room. I'll go get Umi." Catty said

"But I just got down! Do you know how many stairs it takes to get to the top room of the tallest tower, couldn't we just do it down here, there are plenty of spinning wheels."

"No! Now get your ass up there NOW!"

As Setsuna scurried off, Catty went to Umi's room "Yo! Umi come here I have something to show you."

By the time they got to the top room of the tallest tower Catty herself was wondering why they even had the top room in the tallest tower. That was a lot of steps. Catty pushed Umi through the door and closed it behind the princess. When she heard a thump she opened the door to see Umi fast asleep.

So one hundred years passed. The whole castle was preserved and sleeping. Rose bushes grew over the castle. Many people died trying to get to the legendary Sleeping Beauty. Why they didn't take a blowtorch to the plants I don't know, but obviously they weren't very smart. And the bodies really stunk come summer time too.

"What is taking that Prince so long, he was supposed to be here an hour ago", muttered Catty standing in front of the roses.

No sooner had the words left her mouth than did her brother Yota appear (good god these people have weird names.) "Hey, does Sleeping Umi live here?" he asked.

"Yeah. Just a minuet." Catty pulled out a container of pesticide. "follow me." she sprayed the plant killer and every rose it touched died and withered away. The Roses were hurt that anyone would do that to them, so they decided to run away, leaving the pathway clear.

They walked to the castle and went through the door "Are all these people dead?" asked Prince Yota

"No, just asleep."

Soon they came to Sleeping Umi's room. They walked in and saw her still asleep. The Prince took off his back pack and started unloading stuff. There was a bucket of cold water, an alarm clock, feather, drum set and bell.

"What is that stuff for?" asked Catty

"I'm gonna try and wake her up."

"Dude, just kiss her, she'll wake up."

"Really?" he looked skeptical but when Catty nodded he went over to Umi's bedside. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. Umi's eyes fluttered and she sat up for the first time in many, many years. The whole castle woke up and they had a wedding. Prince Yota and Princess Umi lived together from then on out, happily ever after.

The End

A vortex appeared and swiped them up. They were transported to Little Red Raye and the Kitsune Youko who were holding hands and walking through the forest. They were replaced with Little Red Riding Hood running from the wolf

Cinderamy and her Hotdog Prince were eating hotdogs one moment and the next Cinderella and Prince Charming were dancing at the ball

An empty pack of cigarettes were changed into an empty matchbook.

'Here am I, little jumping Joan' 'Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum prepared to have a battle' 'Dame Trot and her cat' 'Rain rain go away' 'Little Boy Blue' and 'Little Bo Peep' were all returned to their original boring text

Pheo and Nix were interrupted from stuffing their faces with gingerbread by Hansel and Grettle hugging their parents.

And lastly Snow Bunny and Hiei stopped their rampage so Snow White and her Prince charming could finally have their wedding.

Catty closed the book as she and her family were returned to their own world. "Oh my god Fairy Tales suck, I don't know why I ever wanted to be in them."

All of her family was looking at her with murder in their eyes "You don't even know the half of it, you try being the wicked step mother in ALL the stories." said Setsuna.

"You disobeyed me by stealing that book." chastised her father.

"And you know we are not the kind of family that believes in life lessons so don't you dare say, at least we all learned a life lesson." continued her mother.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!"

"You know that everything in the basement is corrupted by hell!" Bunny pointed out.

"You are doing all the chores for a week young lady, you wanted to be in a Fairy Tale, well you can be Cinderella!"

"Want me to make them forget it ever happened?" whispered Drusilla the Fairy.

"Yes please."

Drusilla waved her wand and the yelling stopped. "Wait. What happened."

"Oh my, look at the time I have to go cook dinner."

"Oh don't even talk about food I'm stuffed, I feel like that time at Halloween I puked from eating too much candy."

"Why do I feel like scrubbing ashes out of the fireplace, do we even have a fireplace?"

"Hiei, did I ever tell you your really short?" "You are too Bunny." "oh yeah."

Everyone filed out of Catty's room, all of them puzzling over one question: What happens after Happily ever after?

-------------------------------------

Author: I know, corny ending, but I was having a hard time rapping it up and I needed to make this announcement.

Setsuna: cause she has no life

Author: right, I want to make a new story and I was wondering what it should be about and I thought, maybe I should ask the people who will read my story, my adoring readers!

Setsuna: cause she loves you guys so much

Author: Exactly. So I have some suggestions:

1) a story from my file entitled: Stories I Wrote A Long Time Ago Before I Knew What Was

2) A story made up entirely of one shots including 'a story about riders block' 'Yummy Gum' and 'Lemon Lime'

3) All of the deleted scenes and gag reels from previous stories including what Setsuna really did in Yusuke's room in Violence, Booze and too much Family.

Or

4) A story that you want me to write. It could be one without my Oc's, one for any anime, show, book etc (though it may be nice if I actually know said anime, show, book etc) It could be humorous, angst, romantic, Yaoi, shonen-ai, full of Lemony Goodness or whatever. Whatever you want, I'll write it. You just tell me

Setsuna: your beloved author will pick whatever suggestion she feels like will be easiest and most fun for you and if you DON'T give a suggestion she'll come out and strangle you

Author: No, I wont I'll just probably pout for a while and complain and then I'll ask random people on the street what kind of fic I should write. So blame them if my next story makes me sound like I'm on crack. Thank you for reading Fair Tales told by the Hellsing Family!


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